Sunday afternoon, I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, Hidden Brain. While the title was You 2.0: Overcoming Stage Fright, the topic was really dealing with anxiety, or “choking” – like when you choke on a test. This month students are back in the world of school, and their parents are back in the world of trying to help; it can be anxious for both. Sian Beilock, a psychologist, made a lot of great points, and there were two I would like to share with you by relating a story she told about herself:
It was the first chemistry test she took in college, and she failed. She got the worst grade in the class, and she was understandably devastated. She called her mom, and her mom asked her a couple of questions that re-framed the situation. She asked, “Did you study?” Sian answered, “Of course.” “Did you do the practice questions?” “No. I just re-read the material like I did in high school.” “Did you join a study group?” “No, I just the re-read the material.” “Did you go to the office hours?” “No Mom, I just read.”
Unlike a lot of us who would have stubbornly stuck to our unsuccessful pattern, Sian tried all those things. And of all the new strategies, the one that probably made the most difference, though they were all important, was the study group during which they rapid fired questions at each other mimicking a test. They de-sensitized themselves to, or at least practiced, facing the stress faced during a test AND they mastered the material.
One of the best ways to overcome anxiety is to desensitize ourselves to it – go to your kids practices so the first time they see you there it ISN’T at the big game; rehearse a presentation in front of actual humans repeatedly before giving it; practice taking the SAT and/or ACT enough times that you are comfortable with it.
There are a few freaky math, music (Wade), tennis or golf prodigies out there, as there are other people who are crazy good at all kinds of stuff – and most of the rest of us have to work at it. We can master something, but we have to work at it. If it’s something we enjoy even the hours of practice are fun. But if it’s something we HAVE to master whether we want to or not, it’s a slog – plain and simple. And even once we’ve mastered it, we have to master the anxiety that gets in the way.
Other than desensitization, one of the ways Sian mentions is something I think most of us know instinctively, we need to distract part of our brain so the part the that knows how to do something can get on with it. It’s the same basic principle behind fidgets for busy fingers or walking desks or using big yoga balls for chairs. We figure out ways to get out of our own way.
None of these things are revolutionary, none of these things are particularly hard, but they do require awareness and they do require effort.
Simple things done with great love.
-Carolyn Hayes,
Director or Children and Young Families
